Choosey Lover

"What type of love do you want"?

     I didn't have an answer for that question because no one had ever asked me that before. (I was used to being the one interested in asking those kinds of questions). Naturally I deflected, "That's a great question, babe". Immediately after, I felt like my whole life had flashed before my eyes (think: That's So Raven).

     I thought of a man that I loved, but made it so hard for me to love him. At times, without actually begging, I begged this man to love me. It hurt for me to see other fathers choosing to be in their children's lives, despite circumstances, without an explanation for why my own was absent. I knew that he was choosing to be in the lives of his other children but somehow had left me out of the equation.

     I thought back to the man that chose to love my mother but only tolerated my existence, to be with her. I was not his child, so perhaps he didn't have the capacity to love me as if I were. I can't quite say that it was hate that he showed but whatever it was, it increased after my mother bore his children.

     Then, I thought of the men folk in my family that could never choose to love "both/and", it was only "either/or". I never questioned whether it would be, me or her? The answer came soon enough, and I was never one to question love. As I opened up my heart, I would be reminded that it was either their needs/wants or my feelings/safety/well-being.

     I briefly thought of lovers past. They were always too broken, selfish or shallow. They chose me, but never over pussy cats and pride. They could never live up to the standards set before them and always raised the white flag, "I'm not good enough for you".

     I thought of all those men and tried to think of how to answer this question presented to me. I reasoned that I was not the same woman, so I could no longer accept mediocre love. So, what type of love did I want? I felt an answer rising from my heart...

"I want someone that chooses to love me"

     It was honest. It was revealing. It was perfect. I did want someone that chose to love me. A choice that required understanding, humility and patience. At that point, I realized that I had picked up those broken pieces and put them back together. I filled the spaces with gold, made of the love that I had for myself. I had chosen to understand every imperfect part of me. I had chosen to humble myself and accept my imperfection. I had chosen to be patient enough with myself to learn me. I choose to only accept the love that I accept from myself.

New Truths

Old Truth: A little fear never hurt anybody...

 

 

     Here I am, living in a city that was completely new to me a year ago. I have accomplished so much in such a short amount of time and it's all because I took that first step. The first step wasn't me quitting my job in Houston and deciding to move to Chicago. The first step wasn't me buying my plane ticket to Chicago. The first step was me deciding that I wasn't going to allow fear to conquer my life anymore.

 

     There have been several opportunities that I've passed up on for my fears. The fear of not being educated enough. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of not having enough connections. It took a long time for me to recognize the source and what was feeding those fears.

 

     Thinking back as far as I'm able, I can remember my always having those fears. It could've easily stemmed from something in my childhood or it could've stemmed from my need to be perfect. Who knows?! But as I got older, the fears grew stronger. The truth is that, I have never been a dumb person. I almost always mastered everything that I put my mind to and I had pretty decent connections. It never occurred to me that I had no need to be in fear. It did occur to me, that when I made the decision to conquer those fears, there were negative voices striving to keep those demons fed.

 

     I had to recognize that the negative voices were coming from certain people around me. Those people would affirm my fears. When I would counter them with positivity, they would fight back. In an effort to put my own needs first (yay me!), I removed those people from my circle and never looked back. It didn't take long for me to see the positive effect that that decision had on my life. That effect has caused me to be very cautious (read: cautious, and not afraid) of letting people into my circle.

 

     I now walk down a path of fearlessness. I am walking towards a destination unknown but I walk in excellence. My definition of excellence is doing my best, no matter how I feel (feelings aren't facts but more on that later). There are times that fear tries to creep in but it is never welcomed to stay. My new take on life and living has been confirmed many times over. Those confirmations make it that much easier for me to keep moving forward with my shoulders straight and head held high.


 

Note: I believe a little fear is healthy, it's what keeps us striving for more. However, it's the fear that is suppressed that tries to devour us.

Opinions are like...everyone has one

     Since before the hashtag (#relationshipgoals), it seemed that mostly everyone aspired to have the perfect relationship. Honestly, at one point, I was that girl. I felt that no man was worthy of my time, attention or love unless he checked off every box on "the list". (Lest I forget, he also had to be approved by the family.) Who or what created "the list"? Opinions created "the list" and they came flying from every which way.
 

     I carried "the list" with me on every single date. There were times that "the list" saved me but ultimately, it formed a standard man for me that I didn't even want. I discovered that truth after ending my first relationship. I stayed with the man for three, almost four years and throughout that time I felt that something was missing. The opinions, however, didn't want to be missed because they wouldn't stop coming. (I swear that relationship was me, him and opinions.) Even after breaking off the relationship, the opinions didn't stop. The opinions followed every situation after, until I took a note from Beyoncé (no, Sean and Beyoncé are not my #relationshipgoals). The world doesn't even know enough about their relationship to form a valid opinion (*cues shout music*). People have said, and still say, very negative things about The Carters but I say, "Do your thing Queen. They don't have to understand. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters."
 

     It took me a while to figure out but I think that I've got it. My relationship has thrived because of it and I couldn't be more pleased. I'm also pleased that my man is like-minded. It's not about keeping secrets for us, it's about protecting our space. We don't open up our relationship to be judged by others. That doesn't mean that we don't seek advice because we do. We are just very firm believers in seeking advice from those that have reached the heights that we attain to or that have surpassed them. Speaking for myself, I've only taken advice from one person regarding our relationship. That is in part because I know that not everyone will understand our relationship and also because from past experience, I don't trust everyone's opinion. I always wanted to be this way but everyone doesn't get it (men and women). I am a very open person but I also like to keep things sacred. This is why I don't, and won't, post about my relationship  (highs or lows) on social media. As a matter of fact, my goal is to be established well enough that by the time I do get married, I can just get rid of social media all together. And then, no one would know anything. But that's future talk, so I digress. The point is that I've found my voice and followed it. I'm happy and content in knowing that what I have works for me and mine.

 

"Toast to cliches in the dark past..."- Beyoncé

Don't Pray For Me

My hope, prayer, dream, wish and will is that no one is praying for me to get back to the Lord, get back to church or get back to anything for that matter.

 

     Listen, I know that my thinking can be a bit unconventional but trust me, I'm good. I know the Lord and we are tight (close. Me and the Lord are close). We talk, laugh, cry. I love the Lord. Now, I may identify with the Lord differently than some but I know Him, love Him and seek Him wholeheartedly.

 

     Now, I have to confess that I don't go to church as frequently as I used to go (unless watching T.D. Jakes on YouTube or live streaming counts). It could be because I don't want to do the leg work (Chicago has tons of churches). It could be because I like sleeping in on Sundays when I can (I used to go to 7pm service at Lakewood, in Houston). It could be that I don't want to hug three of my neighbors (can we just move the service along please?!). It could be a number of things but that doesn't mean that I'm stagnant in my spiritual growth.

 

     And okay, I don't want to go back to anything. I want to continue moving forward. But during this time of collecting my thoughts, I am reminded of who I thought God was and how those thoughts kept me bound.

 

     The God of my childhood gave me the -un's. I was uninterested, unemotional, unmoved and uninvolved. He absolutely confused me with his cult-like, religious rules and left me with too many questions, that neither brochures or booklets could answer. The God of my youth (and young adult life) was just apart of my routine. He left me with few choices in my own life. He dictated how my life should go every step of the way and when I didn't comply He used the big gavel. He judged me and punished me, sternly. Not only did He judge me but so did His saints. So, did I. I judged myself and everyone around me, that couldn't live life perfectly.

 

     It was driving me insane, so I stopped. I stopped going to church, stopped running the rat race and started to release. I became an empty vessel because I released the religion completely. I literally let go and let God. I let God show me His true self. I love all that He's shown Himself to be. Truly patient. Truly kind. He revealed to me that He's a God that loves willingly. He wasn't mad at me. He wanted the best for me. He wanted me to know that I'm allowed. I'm allowed to make choices. I'm allowed to make mistakes because I'm not perfect. I'm allowed to be my individual self. With that allowance, I grew. I grew in my relationship with Him and in myself. I released the old me and embraced the secure, happy, comfortable and complete me. This new growth doesn't allow room for judgement, sorrow or hate.

 

     My hope, prayer, dream, wish and will is that someone is praying for my growth and audacity to keep moving forward. Praying for God to continue revealing Himself to me in new ways, always. Praying for my love to grow for everyone around me.

New Truths

Old truth: "I've lived longer than you, so I know more than you"

 

 

     I was taught to listen to my elders and to never question them. All of the elders around me had an opinion about what I should do with my life, and each opinion differed. I was always so confused about what step to take next. I would ask certain elders for advice (I didn't know then what I know now) and would more than likely regret it. I was always walking around life looking for someone to guide me onto the next path.

 

     As a result, I did a lot of things in my young adult life that I did not particularly want to do (bless my heart). I truly thought that I was doing the right thing, by doing what I was told to do. Boy, was I wrong and boy, was it overwhelming! Since everyone had differing opinions, there was always someone disappointed that I didn't take their word of advice. I might have suffered from depression at that time (it would've been warranted), I'm not completely sure, but I do know that I was unhappy. That was until I did something that I was advised against.

 

     I moved on my own, and I did anything that I wanted to do (I've always been a rebel at heart). I've never been an extremely wild person but I literally did anything that I wanted to do. I was an adult, who was going to stop me?! I had finally reached a point that I had to make my own decisions. I made some great decisions, good decisions, bad decisions and horrible decisions. The great thing is that I actually made those decisions on my own. The opinions still flooded in but I had reached a point that I didn't need someone telling me how to live my life. I had grown confident enough in my own abilities to move through a life that was all my own. This caused for lots of upset people around me but naturally they got over it (maybe they did, I don't really know). I've lost touch with a few of those elders because of my "radical" decision making but guess what... I don't care!!

 

     I know what you're thinking,

"She's a bad motha-"

shut your mouth! I'm not though. I'm just a woman that found her voice and the confidence to own her decisions. I'm so confident, that I don't even have to go all Kanye West on anyone ("You ain't got the answers"). I literally let my life speak on its own. I'm happy with me and happy to see that others in my family are making the same decision to break the mold. It's a beautiful thing!

 

 

"This is my life homie, you decide yours."- Kanye West

 

 

 

Note: This is not to say that I don't believe that elders can be wise. My sentiment is just that, no one can live my life better than I can. No one knows my dreams better than I do. I take what I can from anyone and from everywhere.

I'm a recovering, undercover...

Hi, my name is Ashley and I've been sober for almost two years now. (And you say, "Hi, Ashley")

 

 

 

     Don't get me wrong, I was not an alcoholic per say. I just enjoyed a good drink every now and then. I had self control, until I didn't have self control. But that's not why I choose to abstain from alcohol. I abstain because I want to live my life, fully and soberly. That's not to say that drinking alcohol inhibits one to fully live life but you know what I mean...

 

"I had a long day at work, let's go get a cocktail."
"I'm so happy, let's go get drinks!"
"I'm so sad (or bored), let me get myself a bottle of wine."
"I'm so hungry, let's go somewhere with some good margaritas."
 or my infamous line, "I'm getting drunk tonight."

I remember it just like it was yesterday...
I had woken up soooooo late. I was supposed to had gotten up early (6am) to go take care of my grandmother and it was 3pm (she didn't expect me to come that early but still). I was still in last night's clothing, my phone was dead and I did not even recall walking into the house. However, I did remember saying my infamous line. I knew that I was too old for all of it but what can I say? I went out with a bang!

 

     I decided that New Year day, after leaving my grandmother's house, that I was done drowning my problems. I had to deal with it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. I vowed to myself that I was done with alcohol, once and for all. Now listen, abstaining was never hard for me. I would go months without drinking just to prove to myself that I wasn't an addict (alcohol addiction runs through the bloodline), but this was deeper than that. I wanted to have the full life experience.

I thought about the things that had led me to have this conversation with myself. It did not prove to be an easy task because I had to dust off the skeletons that were buried deep, deep in the closet. I would be ending a cycle that started in my early teen years. Look, I never drank to feel like a grown-up. It was never because I was trying to be cool. I just genuinely longed to escape my reality without actually running away (I had nowhere to go, child). As I got older, I found no one that I could openly speak with  about my pain. Not anyone. But you know what I did find... that most of those with deaf ears would pour me up a drink though. As I got even older, I didn't want to speak about my pain, so I drank. I internalized way too much during those years.

 

 

Moving forward...
Things took a deep, downward spiral when my employment was wrongly terminated. That happened at a time when I was still trying to regain my sense of identity, after ending a long term relationship. To make matters even worse, old flames were trying to reignite. And my health was out of control. It was just tew much Jesus! The drinking didn't help, it only enabled me. It helped me run from myself and the world. It helped me continue to make poor decisions. Either things had to change or I had to change.

 

     The journey, after making a choice to change, did not prove to be an easy one. But I have zero regrets. I faced my demons head-on, one-by-one. I slayed Goliath (many Goliaths in this case). I had found happiness within myself. I chose to stay happy. I found my individual identity. I blew out the old flames, or more like I cut out the wick so it could never be ignited again. I learned to control the one person that I had control over, myself. I started moving through life with more purpose. I attracted like-minded individuals into my life. Look at what God did!

Now okay, God didn't change me. What He did do was, help me to see my options. I chose to do better, to be better. My growth has been amazing. No, I don't miss alcohol. My mind is better for not drinking it, and my heart is better for it. And ultimately, my life is better for it. I feel everything at once and I feel it fully.

 

Also, I don't care that you drink. Drink all of the drinks! Throw back all of the shots! It's your choice, and I am not here to judge you. Don't you know that "what you eat don't make me..." yeah.

 

Now...

Let's toast to the new life. Perrier's for everyone!

New Truths

    Many of you may or may not know that I've always loved writing. I had been running from this love for quite some time but I will run no longer. This is the first piece in a segment that I will call:

New Truths

(I completely understand that not everyone will subscribe to my ideals and I am glad.
Think for yourself. Ask your own questions, these are just my answers. In a world where humans are allowed free thinking, I don't expect for everyone to agree and understand.)



Old Truth: Love hurts.

     I remember the echo of "I do this because I love you" after a beating, whooping or punishment  (verbal or physical). It was a statement that I could not grasp at a young age, and even in my adulthood, still can't comprehend. Though the concept that hurt equaled love was foreign to me, I still carried that concept of truth with me in and out of relationships. I gave family members permission to inflict their painful love onto me. I held on to friends that hurt me but "loved" me. I followed lovers to the ends of the earth that "loved" me. I abused myself many times for not hurting myself enough to feel the "love". Hearing that "God is love" left me further conflicted because hurt was my norm. It took years for me to understand real love (...and still learning).
     Even after hearing and reading 1 Corinthians 13 numerous times, I still didn't understand. I only knew that I never wanted to be the one to inflict love that hurt, so I tried my best to give the opposite of what was given to me. To my dismay, I kept attracting love that hurt and realized that I carried traits of my abusers.
     One day, I had had enough. I told God to show me what love really was because otherwise, I was not interested in it or Him. My eyes began to wander away from my norm and I saw a whole new world. I began to encounter people that loved without limits. Parents that loved their children, children that loved their parents, siblings that loved each other, friends that...you get the point. I told God to teach me! I mean, He did show me, so why wouldn't He teach me?!
     I learned that I had to set a new standard for myself. That meant that I had to start with myself! (Love is an action word!) I made a choice to be kind to myself. If I did something wrong, I no longer called myself "stupid" or "dumb", like I'd been previously taught. I became patient with myself. If I messed up, I gave myself a chance to right my wrong.
    I also became aware of the magic that is BOUNDARIES! Loving myself in a new way allowed me to establish boundaries. I no longer accepted the old habits of loving myself. If those old habits tried to come back, I'd recognize them and deal with them. This also helped me to establish boundaries with those around me. If I didn't allow me to treat me a certain way, then no one else could do it. It wasn't an easy task at all. In most cases, the boundaries were not recognized and I had to re-establish them. Those that refused to adapt, as hard as it was, got cut off.  I stopped speaking to some people completely and others (mostly family) I only speak with cordially. I should also point out that in my world, though not completely removed yet, I don't allow negative self-talk. So, those that have tried or do try to impose their negativity are not allowed in my sphere.
    Yes, I've lost many people on this journey but I have gained so much more. I now recognize God's true being. I accepted the love that He had always tried to give to me. I also started to attract the love that I deserve(!) from the ones that stuck around and accepted new lights of love into my world.

"Oh what a feeling, I'm feeling life" - Hov