New Truths

Old truth: "I've lived longer than you, so I know more than you"

 

 

     I was taught to listen to my elders and to never question them. All of the elders around me had an opinion about what I should do with my life, and each opinion differed. I was always so confused about what step to take next. I would ask certain elders for advice (I didn't know then what I know now) and would more than likely regret it. I was always walking around life looking for someone to guide me onto the next path.

 

     As a result, I did a lot of things in my young adult life that I did not particularly want to do (bless my heart). I truly thought that I was doing the right thing, by doing what I was told to do. Boy, was I wrong and boy, was it overwhelming! Since everyone had differing opinions, there was always someone disappointed that I didn't take their word of advice. I might have suffered from depression at that time (it would've been warranted), I'm not completely sure, but I do know that I was unhappy. That was until I did something that I was advised against.

 

     I moved on my own, and I did anything that I wanted to do (I've always been a rebel at heart). I've never been an extremely wild person but I literally did anything that I wanted to do. I was an adult, who was going to stop me?! I had finally reached a point that I had to make my own decisions. I made some great decisions, good decisions, bad decisions and horrible decisions. The great thing is that I actually made those decisions on my own. The opinions still flooded in but I had reached a point that I didn't need someone telling me how to live my life. I had grown confident enough in my own abilities to move through a life that was all my own. This caused for lots of upset people around me but naturally they got over it (maybe they did, I don't really know). I've lost touch with a few of those elders because of my "radical" decision making but guess what... I don't care!!

 

     I know what you're thinking,

"She's a bad motha-"

shut your mouth! I'm not though. I'm just a woman that found her voice and the confidence to own her decisions. I'm so confident, that I don't even have to go all Kanye West on anyone ("You ain't got the answers"). I literally let my life speak on its own. I'm happy with me and happy to see that others in my family are making the same decision to break the mold. It's a beautiful thing!

 

 

"This is my life homie, you decide yours."- Kanye West

 

 

 

Note: This is not to say that I don't believe that elders can be wise. My sentiment is just that, no one can live my life better than I can. No one knows my dreams better than I do. I take what I can from anyone and from everywhere.

New Truths

    Many of you may or may not know that I've always loved writing. I had been running from this love for quite some time but I will run no longer. This is the first piece in a segment that I will call:

New Truths

(I completely understand that not everyone will subscribe to my ideals and I am glad.
Think for yourself. Ask your own questions, these are just my answers. In a world where humans are allowed free thinking, I don't expect for everyone to agree and understand.)



Old Truth: Love hurts.

     I remember the echo of "I do this because I love you" after a beating, whooping or punishment  (verbal or physical). It was a statement that I could not grasp at a young age, and even in my adulthood, still can't comprehend. Though the concept that hurt equaled love was foreign to me, I still carried that concept of truth with me in and out of relationships. I gave family members permission to inflict their painful love onto me. I held on to friends that hurt me but "loved" me. I followed lovers to the ends of the earth that "loved" me. I abused myself many times for not hurting myself enough to feel the "love". Hearing that "God is love" left me further conflicted because hurt was my norm. It took years for me to understand real love (...and still learning).
     Even after hearing and reading 1 Corinthians 13 numerous times, I still didn't understand. I only knew that I never wanted to be the one to inflict love that hurt, so I tried my best to give the opposite of what was given to me. To my dismay, I kept attracting love that hurt and realized that I carried traits of my abusers.
     One day, I had had enough. I told God to show me what love really was because otherwise, I was not interested in it or Him. My eyes began to wander away from my norm and I saw a whole new world. I began to encounter people that loved without limits. Parents that loved their children, children that loved their parents, siblings that loved each other, friends that...you get the point. I told God to teach me! I mean, He did show me, so why wouldn't He teach me?!
     I learned that I had to set a new standard for myself. That meant that I had to start with myself! (Love is an action word!) I made a choice to be kind to myself. If I did something wrong, I no longer called myself "stupid" or "dumb", like I'd been previously taught. I became patient with myself. If I messed up, I gave myself a chance to right my wrong.
    I also became aware of the magic that is BOUNDARIES! Loving myself in a new way allowed me to establish boundaries. I no longer accepted the old habits of loving myself. If those old habits tried to come back, I'd recognize them and deal with them. This also helped me to establish boundaries with those around me. If I didn't allow me to treat me a certain way, then no one else could do it. It wasn't an easy task at all. In most cases, the boundaries were not recognized and I had to re-establish them. Those that refused to adapt, as hard as it was, got cut off.  I stopped speaking to some people completely and others (mostly family) I only speak with cordially. I should also point out that in my world, though not completely removed yet, I don't allow negative self-talk. So, those that have tried or do try to impose their negativity are not allowed in my sphere.
    Yes, I've lost many people on this journey but I have gained so much more. I now recognize God's true being. I accepted the love that He had always tried to give to me. I also started to attract the love that I deserve(!) from the ones that stuck around and accepted new lights of love into my world.

"Oh what a feeling, I'm feeling life" - Hov