Quote Notes

"Why do I, and everyone I love, pick people that treat us like we're nothing?"
 "We accept the love that we think we deserve."- The Confessions of a Wallflower

     I was never the little girl that dreamed of an extravagant wedding. I never dreamed of marrying a prince. I was never into reading fiction and I despised fairy tales. I longed for something real. I was very aware that nothing and no one was perfect. I was always the little girl that dreamed of loving a man. Not just any man, but a man that loved me back. I dreamed of loving a man that accepted me, just as I was. I was the kid at the park that had fun but never too much fun because I wanted to share the memories with another. I always knew that I was made to love. I just had no idea how important it was to love myself first.

     Growing up, I had always appeared to love myself, out of necessity. I appeared to love myself, as a defense mechanism. I could never get comfortable in thinking that those around me that were supposed to love me, actually did. I was made to feel that my existence was a burden. I was constantly reminded that everyone would have been better off, had I been aborted. I was a mistake, and I was never allowed to forget that. If ever I showed too much confidence in myself, I was knocked down quickly. I was told that I was ugly. I was sorry (like my daddy). I wouldn't amount to be anything other than what I was. I always tried to conceal the hurt that cut me so deeply.

     I'd try to find solace in friends but I was always forced into seclusion. Those that I did grow close with, could never fully understand what I was going through, so they ditched our friendship. Those that stuck around, often took advantage of my vulnerability. Some way or another, I'd always end up being hurt by someone. However, that never stopped me from searching for someone that loved me. I did not know at the time what it meant to accept myself. I had been told that my existence was deplorable, so subconsciously that stuck with me. There were some that tried to love me, but I couldn't accept it. I wasn't sure what love looked like, smelled like or tasted like. I was simply feeling my way around a dark room, hoping to pick up what I was looking for.

     Time revealed to me that what I was looking for, could only be found within myself. I accepted that what I had been told about myself was not truth. I recalled every lie that I had been told and replaced it with the truth. I forgave all those that hurt me. I forgave myself for accepting less than what I wanted. I gave myself time to heal and I learned what love was to me and for me. I began to be exactly what I was looking for. Since then, I have accepted love from others into my life but I never let anyone out love me. I will always, for forever more, love myself more than anyone in this world. I am still not the girl hoping for a fairytale, or a prince to come and save me. I certainly have different expectations, but for myself. I don't need anyone to love me because I love me enough for everyone.

In my former life...

  
  Not many people know this about me, but I am a retired superhero. I used to throw on a cape, fly with the birds and save people that did not want to be saved. I would see my fellow man drowning and would extend an arm...only to be scoffed at. I look back on those days and thank the heavens that I no longer cape for those that do not want to be saved. It was a very exhausting task and always drained me of my superpowers (I guess it was my kryptonite). I am not sure why I was given the superpower of saving people but it was almost the death of me. It was never hard to find these victims, and there was always someone that needed saving!

     Initially, I had just thought of myself as being honest. I was told many times that I had no filter and at first I didn't understand. Everyone wanted honesty, right? Who could deny an honest opinion, even if it was most likely unwarranted? I learned that no one valued my opinions, they saw me as offensive. Even people that would pride themselves on wanting honesty, could not accept it. It was quite confusing, but being so committed to growth, l decided to change my strategy. I reasoned with myself that people only want honesty when they ask for it. I decided to refine my superpowers and only cape for people that asked to be saved. So, that meant that I gave no unwarranted opinions. If my opinion was wanted, it'd have to be asked of me.

     Having someone ask for my opinion left me with a choice...to give or not to give? Being the superhero that I was, I had to give of myself. I quickly came to the realization that people don't want to be saved, not even from themselves. People would ask for my opinion and get offended just the same. People would ask for my opinion and do exactly what they wanted to do in the first place. (kryptonite) It was almost pointless for me to open my mouth. I told myself many times to not give this part of myself and it was hard to let it go. I learned the lessons the hard way, but I'll never forget.

     I learned that it is not my responsibility to make, or help, anyone choose a path in life. Everyone has to live according to their own truth and just because I don't understand their line of thinking...it doesn't make them wrong. I can only help people to see their options. I can only tell of my life experiences and what worked for me. I learned that no one will change what they are doing, or change anything about themselves, until they want to change (message!). These days, my cape remains in the back of the closet collecting dust. If I happen to see someone drowning, I throw them a life raft and they can choose to drown or not. But this superhero is not coming out of retirement, not now and not ever.

"Don't save her, she don't want to be saved" -Project Pat

Silence is Violence

     I feel feelings when I hear the smooth, melodic sounds of "Don't Touch My Hair" by Solange. I love the song so much and I always try to get lost in "what you say to me..." but a certain feeling overwhelms me. It leaves me dancing with a strong feeling of disappointment. I've grown too quiet. I lost my voice trying to protect my peace. I'm disappointed in myself because I can do better. I should've done better. Since being in Chicago, I've experienced more blatant racism than I ever encountered in Texas. There have only been a few times (maybe once or twice) that I actually addressed it.

     The most impactful (read: recent) experiences that I had were while working in a white-owned salon. The owner was absolutely obsessed with the idea of having "an all African-American staff", that he assumed all hailed from the southside of Chicago. He often referred to himself as being a black woman, and loved to show us just how "down" he was. There were more than enough moments to prove that he was a fraud, despite his white, pastey complexion. He never once let us forget that he had two black girls as friends growing up, and that Beyoncé was the queen. This was until she dropped "Lemonade" and he publicly shamed the album because "she came from the whitest neighborhood in Houston. She doesn't know struggle, so why is she talking about police brutality?" I was always heavily equipped with my side eyes for him and his antics but was mostly silent. No one else seemed bothered by him so, I reasoned that I should not have been bothered either.

     One day, he offered to color my hair while we sat in his empty salon. While he measured out the color, he also measured out large quantities of disrespect. He told me that I should let him chemically treat (read: straighten) my hair because it was "frizzy, untamed and just too much". I explained to him that I was fine with the way that my hair grew out of my head and that I wasn't interested. I was bothered at that point, but still too silent. He later rinsed out the color and disgustedly told me that my hair felt "matted" and "like wool". I nearly jumped out of my chair because I knew that I wasn't taking care of my hair, but never imagined it would be that bad. I thought about it further and realized that he was comparing my hair to that of his mostly white clientele. I wasn't the one with the problem, it was him. I told him my thoughts and brushed it off.

     I was in Houston and I watched Philando Castile die, on my phone's screen. I was angry. I was numb. I was hurt. I was intolerant, or so I thought. I flew back to Chicago the following day and went into the salon. White people were talking and I was silent. The salon owner that so vehemently "love black people" swore his allegiance to Trump, in front of everyone. Without coercion, he told us all that if he were a cop, he'd "shoot those people too". I wasn't shocked. I was offended. I was boiling inwardly. I was silent outwardly.

     I was silent when the white man on the bus taunted a black man by calling him an "inconsiderate, ungrateful boy" and "a disrespectful nigger". I was silent when he put his attention on me. The black bus driver told me not to entertain him, so I said "Don't talk to me." He didn't stop and I was still silent.

     I do find that there are times that my silence speaks loudly for me. I won't be baited into agreeing that "they need to just follow the officers orders because if it was me I'd..." My silence always creates a tension so thick, it couldn't be cut with a knife. Then, there are times that my silence cripples me. It leads racists to believe that their words and actions are innocent, and hold no accountability. I have become selectively vocal, without a reason for cause. I'm left to question myself and consider that it may be to make certain people around me comfortable. My peace is still not protected if I can't use my voice, it stifles me. My solutions for myself are simple, yet very personally impacting.

     I'm going to protect my peace with balance. I'm going to continue showing pride for myself and my black people. I'm going to continue to shed tears, in airport lines, for every innocent life taken. I will not hold back to give others a sense of comfort. I will express my anger and my hurt. I won't hold back this #blackgirlmagic, I will give them all of this work. I will forgive myself and continue to be better each day that passes.


Vibe out with me...

"Don't touch my pride, they say the glory's all mine. Don't test my mouth, they say the truth is my sound"-Solange