Cheers To You

Ashley,

     You have been very hard on yourself. You have sacrificed more than anyone will know. You have helped those that will not dare help you. You have loved those that have shit on your efforts. You have cried many tears. You have asked millions of questions, most of them starting with "How...". You have stressed yourself to the point of illness. You need to know, that it is not for nothing.

     You will not be the same person that you are now. You will live life differently. You will think different thoughts. You will love and let love. You will love deeper and you will love more genuinely. You will expect the good, before you expect the bad. You will accept the good, before you accept the bad. You will set a new standard for everyone around you.

     Things will seem like they get more difficult, before they get better. You will learn more than you could ever imagine in the storm. Do not try to rush your growth, let it happen organically. You are strong and you will get through it. You are a diamond dear, formed under pressure.

     You will notice how much more different you start to become than those around you. Most will tell you that not everyone thinks like you, to protect themselves. Grow big and keep moving forward. Do not let anyone or anything diminish your growth. Grow at your own rate and let others catch up or fall behind. Do not mourn those that you will outgrow, rejoice in knowing that you are stepping into your own light. Embrace those that embrace and welcome your change.

     Continue questioning God and continue questioning yourself. Continue assessing your progress. The change that you are praying for and working for, will happen. Continue crossing out goals and making new ones. Continue pressing through. Continue marching to the beat of your own damn drum. Continue ruffling feathers and going against the grain. Combat every fear, and take no prisoners.

     Honey, the love will come. Your faith will grow. Your wisdom will expound. You will get everything that you came for and more.

     Trust in God and trust in yourself. Accept your story and accept your truth. You will love this life and this life will love you just the same.

My darling Ashley...

     Life will be so much more than you could have ever imagined it to be.

With love,

Ashley

P.S. It is real, so don't fight it. It will work out, stay out of your head and let it flow.

Quote Notes

Many of you may, or may not, have noticed that I'm a little obsessed with quotes. I used to write quotes on paper and stick them all over my bedroom walls and bathroom mirror (Now, there are hundreds of screenshots, of quotes, in my phone). I am aware that Gabrielle Union's character does this in Being Mary Jane, however I did this way before the show aired. In fact, a friend of mine pointed that out to me and I felt very violated because they copied me (they didn't copy me but I'm just saying that I did it first). Anyway, this will be an installment of different quotes that have deeply resonated with me and will be entitled:

Quote Notes

"Feelings aren't facts"

     I can't recall the many times that I've allowed emotions and feelings to ruin my life. There are so many days that were going great and then were ruined, due to me being in my feelings. There have been countless embarrassing moments for those in my path, when I was in my feelings. When I allowed my feelings to control me, everyone around me experienced the wrath. I would always encounter different people that seemed like they had the secret of life: not giving certain people, instances or things a second thought. I would ask these people for the answers but they'd never have them (think: Sway). I did what I do best...I asked God to teach me. Of course He obliged, but I thought it best to learn the hard and long way.

     Growing up in a family of highly emotional beings (not even exaggerating), I thought that it was quite normal to allow emotions and feelings to dictate life. I had a very interesting journey, which was equally confusing and exhausting. I'd never know what type of day the people around me were having, so I never knew when I needed to be prepared for combat (but you know I stayed ready so I didn't have to get ready). I never wanted to carry on that lineage so I vowed that I would never, ever be a product of my environment. I'm happy to say that I wasn't (and I'm not), but I also have to report that I may have been worse. I decided that the best way to control my emotions was to mask them or bottle them up (bless my young heart).

     The "bottle it up" method never seemed to work in my favor because I would always reach a point of explosion. I was always very angry and had no outlet, which was a recipe for total disaster. At the times that I did try to control myself, I was always provoked so it was essentially a lose-lose for me. Eventually, I removed myself from the toxicity and found myself in even more toxicity (it runs deep, okay?). It was a very exhausting position to be in because I was always seen as having an attitude (okay, sometimes I did have one but most times, I didn't). At which point, I tried to appear nicer, while still concealing my emotions. I only exploded in private but was told several times that I came across as cold-hearted and emotionless.

     I knew things had to change for me so I decided to just let it all hang out. I decided that I had better get in tune with my emotions and feelings so that I could be the best version of me (ha!). I literally went from one extreme to the total opposite extreme. I had emotions and feelings coming from places that I didn't even know emotions and feelings could come from. I could cry at the drop of a hat. My feelings were being hurt by people that I didn't even know or care about (also people that I did know and care about, just times 10). I was making decisions based on how I felt. I would allow people into my life that were no good to me or for me because of feelings. I was a mess, top to bottom, inside and out, through and through. I was so fragile and felt so weak. There was no wondering why my life was not going the way that I wanted it to and why I was not attracting the type of people that I wanted to be around. I was literally allowing my feelings to control my life. I knew what I needed at that point and it was balance. Naturally, God came through for me.

     I made a conscious decision to control me and my emotions. I no longer allowed circumstances or people around me to alter my mood or actions. If I felt that my feelings were hurt, I would pause. In the pause, I'd think about the person's intent (Did this person intentionally try to hurt me?). I'd also think about whether or not what the person said or did was a true reflection of me and who I portrayed myself to be. If after my pause I felt warranted in my hurt, I'd address the situation or let it and the person go completely. There was no more festering about what someone had done or not done to me or for me. I would no longer allow my feelings to dictate who was allowed in and out of my life. I had to logically reason whether or not any person in my life would bring value to me or drain me. I learned that to allow someone to control my emotions and reactions, made me powerless over myself. In order to remain in control, I have to constantly check myself when certain situations arise. I've gained a new sense of normalcy that I always knew possible but wasn't sure how to attain.

Note: If you run up, you will get done up. I'm cool and all, over here controlling my emotions but don't try me.

From lemons you made...

     I'm quite sure that there are many in my family that feel a deep love for my grandmother, but I'd like to say that my love is a little deeper. Since I was young, I've always felt a connection with her that allowed me to be myself, without the fear of judgement. There were times that I dreamt of losing her and would wake up crying profusely because it felt so real. She'd always answer my call and assure me that everything was fine. If there was one person that I'd like to bottle up and save, it'd be Ifay. Knowing that this is not possible, I'll just savor our past memories, make new ones and cherish the lessons.

     There are some in my family that call my grandmother a "seer". They say that she can see things way before they happen, but this could also be stated as having "intuition". There was a point in my teen years that my grandmother got sick, so she had to move out of her home. She'd travel around Texas, and stay with different relatives. She'd always reach a point when she felt like it was time for her to move on, and she'd call whoever it was that she wanted to stay with next. And so, the cycle would continue. It was always very interesting to me that every time she moved, something "major" would take place soon after. It wouldn't be until years later that she would reveal to us that she knew that the incident would take place. I can remember as a kid being put into situations that made me very uncomfortable. I was told that I was not supposed to leave from where I was but I'd always call my grandmother and she'd come and get me. I would most times get in trouble but I felt better knowing that I was with someone familiar. She'd always pick me up and ask me what made me uncomfortable. She'd listen to me and nod her head. It was as if she already knew what I was feeling. She taught me to always trust my intuition, even if I was not always right, at least I was careful.

     She was diagnosed with dementia some time ago, and since that moment, I became even more protective of her. There are many times that I've had to take up for her because she wasn't able to take up for herself. She wasn't like I had known her to be, she was quiet and somewhat timid. She'd always tell me that it was okay, and that those people didn't have to be nice to her. I simply could not understand why she was allowing people to treat her so badly. One day as I was combing her hair, I was trying to be very careful, so as to not pull her hair. She said to me, "Don't worry about trying not to hurt me. I've been hurt so much in my life, nothing can hurt me anymore." I didn't know what to say to her, my heart just sank. I knew that I couldn't change her life so I decided that I would make a change for myself, on her behalf. I vowed to set a standard for everyone in my life, family or not, to love me. Not with a selfish love, but with a genuine love. A love that would not leave me with wounds so deep, that they couldn't heal.

     I spent so much time with my grandmother before leaving Houston, that she came to be one of my best friends. It always warmed my heart when I'd get phone calls saying that she had asked for me specifically. She would talk to me about things that she had probably never told anyone else. She'd often tell me that I was her only friend and that she was so grateful to know me. Other times, she would tell me that I was her favorite daughter. I was so nervous to tell her that I was moving to Chicago because I didn't know how she would take it. She blessed my journey and told me to live my life for me. She validated me, even when I wasn't seeking validation. She's always encouraged me to be myself. She taught me from an early age to be who I am, and that I would be loved as a result.

     My grandmother has taught me many lessons that I shall never forget. I'm hoping to always be as genuine and as honest as she is. Even as she ages, and at times her memory fails her, she has remained true to herself. She's done the best that she could with all that she's been given in this life. She's a woman of resilience and perseverance. I'm so thankful that God has graced her with so many years.

"Grandmother, the alchemist, you've spun gold out of this hard life"- Beyoncé

Choosey Lover

"What type of love do you want"?

     I didn't have an answer for that question because no one had ever asked me that before. (I was used to being the one interested in asking those kinds of questions). Naturally I deflected, "That's a great question, babe". Immediately after, I felt like my whole life had flashed before my eyes (think: That's So Raven).

     I thought of a man that I loved, but made it so hard for me to love him. At times, without actually begging, I begged this man to love me. It hurt for me to see other fathers choosing to be in their children's lives, despite circumstances, without an explanation for why my own was absent. I knew that he was choosing to be in the lives of his other children but somehow had left me out of the equation.

     I thought back to the man that chose to love my mother but only tolerated my existence, to be with her. I was not his child, so perhaps he didn't have the capacity to love me as if I were. I can't quite say that it was hate that he showed but whatever it was, it increased after my mother bore his children.

     Then, I thought of the men folk in my family that could never choose to love "both/and", it was only "either/or". I never questioned whether it would be, me or her? The answer came soon enough, and I was never one to question love. As I opened up my heart, I would be reminded that it was either their needs/wants or my feelings/safety/well-being.

     I briefly thought of lovers past. They were always too broken, selfish or shallow. They chose me, but never over pussy cats and pride. They could never live up to the standards set before them and always raised the white flag, "I'm not good enough for you".

     I thought of all those men and tried to think of how to answer this question presented to me. I reasoned that I was not the same woman, so I could no longer accept mediocre love. So, what type of love did I want? I felt an answer rising from my heart...

"I want someone that chooses to love me"

     It was honest. It was revealing. It was perfect. I did want someone that chose to love me. A choice that required understanding, humility and patience. At that point, I realized that I had picked up those broken pieces and put them back together. I filled the spaces with gold, made of the love that I had for myself. I had chosen to understand every imperfect part of me. I had chosen to humble myself and accept my imperfection. I had chosen to be patient enough with myself to learn me. I choose to only accept the love that I accept from myself.

New Truths

Old Truth: A little fear never hurt anybody...

 

 

     Here I am, living in a city that was completely new to me a year ago. I have accomplished so much in such a short amount of time and it's all because I took that first step. The first step wasn't me quitting my job in Houston and deciding to move to Chicago. The first step wasn't me buying my plane ticket to Chicago. The first step was me deciding that I wasn't going to allow fear to conquer my life anymore.

 

     There have been several opportunities that I've passed up on for my fears. The fear of not being educated enough. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of not having enough connections. It took a long time for me to recognize the source and what was feeding those fears.

 

     Thinking back as far as I'm able, I can remember my always having those fears. It could've easily stemmed from something in my childhood or it could've stemmed from my need to be perfect. Who knows?! But as I got older, the fears grew stronger. The truth is that, I have never been a dumb person. I almost always mastered everything that I put my mind to and I had pretty decent connections. It never occurred to me that I had no need to be in fear. It did occur to me, that when I made the decision to conquer those fears, there were negative voices striving to keep those demons fed.

 

     I had to recognize that the negative voices were coming from certain people around me. Those people would affirm my fears. When I would counter them with positivity, they would fight back. In an effort to put my own needs first (yay me!), I removed those people from my circle and never looked back. It didn't take long for me to see the positive effect that that decision had on my life. That effect has caused me to be very cautious (read: cautious, and not afraid) of letting people into my circle.

 

     I now walk down a path of fearlessness. I am walking towards a destination unknown but I walk in excellence. My definition of excellence is doing my best, no matter how I feel (feelings aren't facts but more on that later). There are times that fear tries to creep in but it is never welcomed to stay. My new take on life and living has been confirmed many times over. Those confirmations make it that much easier for me to keep moving forward with my shoulders straight and head held high.


 

Note: I believe a little fear is healthy, it's what keeps us striving for more. However, it's the fear that is suppressed that tries to devour us.

Opinions are like...everyone has one

     Since before the hashtag (#relationshipgoals), it seemed that mostly everyone aspired to have the perfect relationship. Honestly, at one point, I was that girl. I felt that no man was worthy of my time, attention or love unless he checked off every box on "the list". (Lest I forget, he also had to be approved by the family.) Who or what created "the list"? Opinions created "the list" and they came flying from every which way.
 

     I carried "the list" with me on every single date. There were times that "the list" saved me but ultimately, it formed a standard man for me that I didn't even want. I discovered that truth after ending my first relationship. I stayed with the man for three, almost four years and throughout that time I felt that something was missing. The opinions, however, didn't want to be missed because they wouldn't stop coming. (I swear that relationship was me, him and opinions.) Even after breaking off the relationship, the opinions didn't stop. The opinions followed every situation after, until I took a note from Beyoncé (no, Sean and Beyoncé are not my #relationshipgoals). The world doesn't even know enough about their relationship to form a valid opinion (*cues shout music*). People have said, and still say, very negative things about The Carters but I say, "Do your thing Queen. They don't have to understand. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters."
 

     It took me a while to figure out but I think that I've got it. My relationship has thrived because of it and I couldn't be more pleased. I'm also pleased that my man is like-minded. It's not about keeping secrets for us, it's about protecting our space. We don't open up our relationship to be judged by others. That doesn't mean that we don't seek advice because we do. We are just very firm believers in seeking advice from those that have reached the heights that we attain to or that have surpassed them. Speaking for myself, I've only taken advice from one person regarding our relationship. That is in part because I know that not everyone will understand our relationship and also because from past experience, I don't trust everyone's opinion. I always wanted to be this way but everyone doesn't get it (men and women). I am a very open person but I also like to keep things sacred. This is why I don't, and won't, post about my relationship  (highs or lows) on social media. As a matter of fact, my goal is to be established well enough that by the time I do get married, I can just get rid of social media all together. And then, no one would know anything. But that's future talk, so I digress. The point is that I've found my voice and followed it. I'm happy and content in knowing that what I have works for me and mine.

 

"Toast to cliches in the dark past..."- Beyoncé