June 28th

          I have never forgotten the events that took place on this night, four years ago. The memory hardly ever comes to me, except when I'm reminded of the anniversary or am in a situation that makes me paranoid. It was the only time in my life that anyone has pointed a gun at me and that I had to stare down the barrel of a gun.

          It was just another hot, dark summer night on the southside of Houston, Texas. A dark tinted car drove towards a friend and I, as we talked by our cars, on the street outside of his house. As the car got closer, it slowed down and then stopped right in front of us. Since it was my friend’s neighborhood, he tried looking through the glass to see who it was. The rear passenger window rolled down and there was a guy in the backseat. He said “what's up” to my friend as if they’d known each other but my friend could not really make out who the guy was. In a matter of seconds, the guy pointed a gun at us. He pointed the gun towards my friend and told him to get on the ground, without any regards to me. My friend immediately dropped to the ground and I could see the fear in his eyes. He told the guy not to hurt him. The gunman told him to shut up and my friend obliged. He just laid on his belly with his hands raised, for what seemed like forever, but was probably only a few minutes. I just stood there. I was having an outer body experience and had no idea what to do. I was so shocked that we were in such a predicament. As I stood there frozen, the guys drove off. (At the time I did not know this but my friend, also in shock, just stayed on the ground.)

          As best I could, I got into my car, that I had borrowed from a friend earlier that night. I closed the door, locked it, and attempted to stick the key into the ignition. Before I could do so, I looked up and the car that had driven away, was backing towards me. The gunman had gotten out of his car, ran towards my car, and looked on the ground frantically. (My friend at this point had hidden behind his truck, that was parked behind my car, once he saw them back up. So my assumption is that the gunman was looking for my friend. When he could not find him, he focused on me.) He pointed his gun towards me and demanded that I open the door. I calmly opened the door, the gunman shoved the gun right in face and demanded my purse. The gunman seemed more terrified than I did and in that moment I had just hoped that I would not startle him. So without hesitation, I reached down to the passenger side floor to grab my vintage Dooney & Bourke purse, with my wallet and new cellphone inside, and handed it to him. He took the purse, closed my door, and backed away to go back to his car, all while pointing his gun at me. At that point, I could not think of anything else, except the sense of relief that I felt that there was no longer a gun in my face. I sighed loudly with a sense of relief, but he came back. He opened my door, shoved the gun back into my face and demanded the keys to the car. After he took the keys, he closed my door, backed away to his car and they sped off into the night.

          I stayed in the car for about ten minutes before I realized that my friend was trying to get my attention so that I could get out of the car. He tried to tell me that we needed to get back into the house before they came back. He thought that they would try to kidnap me. He felt like we should call the cops.  All that he was saying to me literally went through one ear and out of the other. When I finally came to, about 10 minutes later, I went into panic mode. I had to figure out how to recover financially and how to break it to my friend, that had loaned me their car, that their key was stolen. I was so mentally undone.

          The next morning, my numbness had worn off, so I had to deal with everything that I could not process just hours before. I had to deal with loved ones telling me what I should have done and what they would have done in my situation. (I tried to explain to them that I had never been prepared to be mugged nor did I think that something like that would ever happen to me.) I had to deal with being told that I was being way too emotional about what had happened to me. (I did not have the energy to explain to anyone that I had just experienced something very traumatic, so I did not try to explain it to them.) I had to deal with being told that I should not be weak in that moment and that I just needed to get past it. (Granted, I did have important things to take care of to get my life somewhat back on track but again, traumatic experience. And I was never a stranger to handling my business before the occurrence.) I had to deal with the emotions that I tried to bottle up, while I cried myself to sleep at night. I realized that more than anything, the experience left me hurt, confused, angry and vulnerable. I felt like I had lost the (little) control that I had over my life and my emotions.

          That was actually the day that I began to gain control over my life and emotions. For so long before that moment, I did not know how to live. I was living out the plans that others had for me and four years ago I realized that I could have, in a major turn of events, lost my life or been seriously injured. From that moment on, I vowed to change. I wanted to leave behind a life that was all my own and not one that was “made” for me. I was done living a safe life. I wanted to take risks, make mistakes and learn from them. I no longer wanted to survive life but experience life. I forced myself, against my better judgement, to feel every single emotion that I tried to bottle up. I felt all of the emotions, uninhibited. The people around me could not understand but it was all apart of the process. I needed to feel the pain so that I could know how to contain it.

          In the moment, I got myself into what seemed like could be bad situations. I found myself reconciling with people that I vowed to never speak to again. I had apologized for things that I did not really want to apologize for. It felt strange to be living in such a different space because I had since developed such a precious outlook on life. I know that I have done all that I could do to salvage those relationships that did not last. In other cases, it gave me the opportunity to cultivate relationships that could have just fallen by the wayside. I found myself forgiving people for things that I had previously not wanted to let go. I had found myself allowing people to be exactly who they were and not who I wanted them to be. I would no longer hold onto people that I knew I did not want around, because of our history. I wanted to grow past where I was and truly be the best version of myself and be able to require it from those around me.

          I allowed myself from that moment on to fully experience life and all that it has to offer me. I vowed to live a life that I would be proud of. A life that I did not want to leave behind or better yet, a life that I would be proud to leave behind. I made myself go through the anger, I made myself go through the hurt, I made myself go through every bit of trauma that I did not really want to go through. It was the best thing that I could have ever done for myself. It started with small steps and led to bigger leaps. Before being mugged, I was afraid to get on a plane. I was afraid to make real moves.  I stand before the world now a new person. I am a new and improved me.