Don't Pray For Me

My hope, prayer, dream, wish and will is that no one is praying for me to get back to the Lord, get back to church or get back to anything for that matter.

 

     Listen, I know that my thinking can be a bit unconventional but trust me, I'm good. I know the Lord and we are tight (close. Me and the Lord are close). We talk, laugh, cry. I love the Lord. Now, I may identify with the Lord differently than some but I know Him, love Him and seek Him wholeheartedly.

 

     Now, I have to confess that I don't go to church as frequently as I used to go (unless watching T.D. Jakes on YouTube or live streaming counts). It could be because I don't want to do the leg work (Chicago has tons of churches). It could be because I like sleeping in on Sundays when I can (I used to go to 7pm service at Lakewood, in Houston). It could be that I don't want to hug three of my neighbors (can we just move the service along please?!). It could be a number of things but that doesn't mean that I'm stagnant in my spiritual growth.

 

     And okay, I don't want to go back to anything. I want to continue moving forward. But during this time of collecting my thoughts, I am reminded of who I thought God was and how those thoughts kept me bound.

 

     The God of my childhood gave me the -un's. I was uninterested, unemotional, unmoved and uninvolved. He absolutely confused me with his cult-like, religious rules and left me with too many questions, that neither brochures or booklets could answer. The God of my youth (and young adult life) was just apart of my routine. He left me with few choices in my own life. He dictated how my life should go every step of the way and when I didn't comply He used the big gavel. He judged me and punished me, sternly. Not only did He judge me but so did His saints. So, did I. I judged myself and everyone around me, that couldn't live life perfectly.

 

     It was driving me insane, so I stopped. I stopped going to church, stopped running the rat race and started to release. I became an empty vessel because I released the religion completely. I literally let go and let God. I let God show me His true self. I love all that He's shown Himself to be. Truly patient. Truly kind. He revealed to me that He's a God that loves willingly. He wasn't mad at me. He wanted the best for me. He wanted me to know that I'm allowed. I'm allowed to make choices. I'm allowed to make mistakes because I'm not perfect. I'm allowed to be my individual self. With that allowance, I grew. I grew in my relationship with Him and in myself. I released the old me and embraced the secure, happy, comfortable and complete me. This new growth doesn't allow room for judgement, sorrow or hate.

 

     My hope, prayer, dream, wish and will is that someone is praying for my growth and audacity to keep moving forward. Praying for God to continue revealing Himself to me in new ways, always. Praying for my love to grow for everyone around me.