Don't Pray For Me

My hope, prayer, dream, wish and will is that no one is praying for me to get back to the Lord, get back to church or get back to anything for that matter.

 

     Listen, I know that my thinking can be a bit unconventional but trust me, I'm good. I know the Lord and we are tight (close. Me and the Lord are close). We talk, laugh, cry. I love the Lord. Now, I may identify with the Lord differently than some but I know Him, love Him and seek Him wholeheartedly.

 

     Now, I have to confess that I don't go to church as frequently as I used to go (unless watching T.D. Jakes on YouTube or live streaming counts). It could be because I don't want to do the leg work (Chicago has tons of churches). It could be because I like sleeping in on Sundays when I can (I used to go to 7pm service at Lakewood, in Houston). It could be that I don't want to hug three of my neighbors (can we just move the service along please?!). It could be a number of things but that doesn't mean that I'm stagnant in my spiritual growth.

 

     And okay, I don't want to go back to anything. I want to continue moving forward. But during this time of collecting my thoughts, I am reminded of who I thought God was and how those thoughts kept me bound.

 

     The God of my childhood gave me the -un's. I was uninterested, unemotional, unmoved and uninvolved. He absolutely confused me with his cult-like, religious rules and left me with too many questions, that neither brochures or booklets could answer. The God of my youth (and young adult life) was just apart of my routine. He left me with few choices in my own life. He dictated how my life should go every step of the way and when I didn't comply He used the big gavel. He judged me and punished me, sternly. Not only did He judge me but so did His saints. So, did I. I judged myself and everyone around me, that couldn't live life perfectly.

 

     It was driving me insane, so I stopped. I stopped going to church, stopped running the rat race and started to release. I became an empty vessel because I released the religion completely. I literally let go and let God. I let God show me His true self. I love all that He's shown Himself to be. Truly patient. Truly kind. He revealed to me that He's a God that loves willingly. He wasn't mad at me. He wanted the best for me. He wanted me to know that I'm allowed. I'm allowed to make choices. I'm allowed to make mistakes because I'm not perfect. I'm allowed to be my individual self. With that allowance, I grew. I grew in my relationship with Him and in myself. I released the old me and embraced the secure, happy, comfortable and complete me. This new growth doesn't allow room for judgement, sorrow or hate.

 

     My hope, prayer, dream, wish and will is that someone is praying for my growth and audacity to keep moving forward. Praying for God to continue revealing Himself to me in new ways, always. Praying for my love to grow for everyone around me.

New Truths

    Many of you may or may not know that I've always loved writing. I had been running from this love for quite some time but I will run no longer. This is the first piece in a segment that I will call:

New Truths

(I completely understand that not everyone will subscribe to my ideals and I am glad.
Think for yourself. Ask your own questions, these are just my answers. In a world where humans are allowed free thinking, I don't expect for everyone to agree and understand.)



Old Truth: Love hurts.

     I remember the echo of "I do this because I love you" after a beating, whooping or punishment  (verbal or physical). It was a statement that I could not grasp at a young age, and even in my adulthood, still can't comprehend. Though the concept that hurt equaled love was foreign to me, I still carried that concept of truth with me in and out of relationships. I gave family members permission to inflict their painful love onto me. I held on to friends that hurt me but "loved" me. I followed lovers to the ends of the earth that "loved" me. I abused myself many times for not hurting myself enough to feel the "love". Hearing that "God is love" left me further conflicted because hurt was my norm. It took years for me to understand real love (...and still learning).
     Even after hearing and reading 1 Corinthians 13 numerous times, I still didn't understand. I only knew that I never wanted to be the one to inflict love that hurt, so I tried my best to give the opposite of what was given to me. To my dismay, I kept attracting love that hurt and realized that I carried traits of my abusers.
     One day, I had had enough. I told God to show me what love really was because otherwise, I was not interested in it or Him. My eyes began to wander away from my norm and I saw a whole new world. I began to encounter people that loved without limits. Parents that loved their children, children that loved their parents, siblings that loved each other, friends that...you get the point. I told God to teach me! I mean, He did show me, so why wouldn't He teach me?!
     I learned that I had to set a new standard for myself. That meant that I had to start with myself! (Love is an action word!) I made a choice to be kind to myself. If I did something wrong, I no longer called myself "stupid" or "dumb", like I'd been previously taught. I became patient with myself. If I messed up, I gave myself a chance to right my wrong.
    I also became aware of the magic that is BOUNDARIES! Loving myself in a new way allowed me to establish boundaries. I no longer accepted the old habits of loving myself. If those old habits tried to come back, I'd recognize them and deal with them. This also helped me to establish boundaries with those around me. If I didn't allow me to treat me a certain way, then no one else could do it. It wasn't an easy task at all. In most cases, the boundaries were not recognized and I had to re-establish them. Those that refused to adapt, as hard as it was, got cut off.  I stopped speaking to some people completely and others (mostly family) I only speak with cordially. I should also point out that in my world, though not completely removed yet, I don't allow negative self-talk. So, those that have tried or do try to impose their negativity are not allowed in my sphere.
    Yes, I've lost many people on this journey but I have gained so much more. I now recognize God's true being. I accepted the love that He had always tried to give to me. I also started to attract the love that I deserve(!) from the ones that stuck around and accepted new lights of love into my world.

"Oh what a feeling, I'm feeling life" - Hov