I'm a recovering, undercover...

Hi, my name is Ashley and I've been sober for almost two years now. (And you say, "Hi, Ashley")

 

 

 

     Don't get me wrong, I was not an alcoholic per say. I just enjoyed a good drink every now and then. I had self control, until I didn't have self control. But that's not why I choose to abstain from alcohol. I abstain because I want to live my life, fully and soberly. That's not to say that drinking alcohol inhibits one to fully live life but you know what I mean...

 

"I had a long day at work, let's go get a cocktail."
"I'm so happy, let's go get drinks!"
"I'm so sad (or bored), let me get myself a bottle of wine."
"I'm so hungry, let's go somewhere with some good margaritas."
 or my infamous line, "I'm getting drunk tonight."

I remember it just like it was yesterday...
I had woken up soooooo late. I was supposed to had gotten up early (6am) to go take care of my grandmother and it was 3pm (she didn't expect me to come that early but still). I was still in last night's clothing, my phone was dead and I did not even recall walking into the house. However, I did remember saying my infamous line. I knew that I was too old for all of it but what can I say? I went out with a bang!

 

     I decided that New Year day, after leaving my grandmother's house, that I was done drowning my problems. I had to deal with it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. I vowed to myself that I was done with alcohol, once and for all. Now listen, abstaining was never hard for me. I would go months without drinking just to prove to myself that I wasn't an addict (alcohol addiction runs through the bloodline), but this was deeper than that. I wanted to have the full life experience.

I thought about the things that had led me to have this conversation with myself. It did not prove to be an easy task because I had to dust off the skeletons that were buried deep, deep in the closet. I would be ending a cycle that started in my early teen years. Look, I never drank to feel like a grown-up. It was never because I was trying to be cool. I just genuinely longed to escape my reality without actually running away (I had nowhere to go, child). As I got older, I found no one that I could openly speak with  about my pain. Not anyone. But you know what I did find... that most of those with deaf ears would pour me up a drink though. As I got even older, I didn't want to speak about my pain, so I drank. I internalized way too much during those years.

 

 

Moving forward...
Things took a deep, downward spiral when my employment was wrongly terminated. That happened at a time when I was still trying to regain my sense of identity, after ending a long term relationship. To make matters even worse, old flames were trying to reignite. And my health was out of control. It was just tew much Jesus! The drinking didn't help, it only enabled me. It helped me run from myself and the world. It helped me continue to make poor decisions. Either things had to change or I had to change.

 

     The journey, after making a choice to change, did not prove to be an easy one. But I have zero regrets. I faced my demons head-on, one-by-one. I slayed Goliath (many Goliaths in this case). I had found happiness within myself. I chose to stay happy. I found my individual identity. I blew out the old flames, or more like I cut out the wick so it could never be ignited again. I learned to control the one person that I had control over, myself. I started moving through life with more purpose. I attracted like-minded individuals into my life. Look at what God did!

Now okay, God didn't change me. What He did do was, help me to see my options. I chose to do better, to be better. My growth has been amazing. No, I don't miss alcohol. My mind is better for not drinking it, and my heart is better for it. And ultimately, my life is better for it. I feel everything at once and I feel it fully.

 

Also, I don't care that you drink. Drink all of the drinks! Throw back all of the shots! It's your choice, and I am not here to judge you. Don't you know that "what you eat don't make me..." yeah.

 

Now...

Let's toast to the new life. Perrier's for everyone!