Choosey Lover

"What type of love do you want"?

     I didn't have an answer for that question because no one had ever asked me that before. (I was used to being the one interested in asking those kinds of questions). Naturally I deflected, "That's a great question, babe". Immediately after, I felt like my whole life had flashed before my eyes (think: That's So Raven).

     I thought of a man that I loved, but made it so hard for me to love him. At times, without actually begging, I begged this man to love me. It hurt for me to see other fathers choosing to be in their children's lives, despite circumstances, without an explanation for why my own was absent. I knew that he was choosing to be in the lives of his other children but somehow had left me out of the equation.

     I thought back to the man that chose to love my mother but only tolerated my existence, to be with her. I was not his child, so perhaps he didn't have the capacity to love me as if I were. I can't quite say that it was hate that he showed but whatever it was, it increased after my mother bore his children.

     Then, I thought of the men folk in my family that could never choose to love "both/and", it was only "either/or". I never questioned whether it would be, me or her? The answer came soon enough, and I was never one to question love. As I opened up my heart, I would be reminded that it was either their needs/wants or my feelings/safety/well-being.

     I briefly thought of lovers past. They were always too broken, selfish or shallow. They chose me, but never over pussy cats and pride. They could never live up to the standards set before them and always raised the white flag, "I'm not good enough for you".

     I thought of all those men and tried to think of how to answer this question presented to me. I reasoned that I was not the same woman, so I could no longer accept mediocre love. So, what type of love did I want? I felt an answer rising from my heart...

"I want someone that chooses to love me"

     It was honest. It was revealing. It was perfect. I did want someone that chose to love me. A choice that required understanding, humility and patience. At that point, I realized that I had picked up those broken pieces and put them back together. I filled the spaces with gold, made of the love that I had for myself. I had chosen to understand every imperfect part of me. I had chosen to humble myself and accept my imperfection. I had chosen to be patient enough with myself to learn me. I choose to only accept the love that I accept from myself.

Opinions are like...everyone has one

     Since before the hashtag (#relationshipgoals), it seemed that mostly everyone aspired to have the perfect relationship. Honestly, at one point, I was that girl. I felt that no man was worthy of my time, attention or love unless he checked off every box on "the list". (Lest I forget, he also had to be approved by the family.) Who or what created "the list"? Opinions created "the list" and they came flying from every which way.
 

     I carried "the list" with me on every single date. There were times that "the list" saved me but ultimately, it formed a standard man for me that I didn't even want. I discovered that truth after ending my first relationship. I stayed with the man for three, almost four years and throughout that time I felt that something was missing. The opinions, however, didn't want to be missed because they wouldn't stop coming. (I swear that relationship was me, him and opinions.) Even after breaking off the relationship, the opinions didn't stop. The opinions followed every situation after, until I took a note from Beyoncé (no, Sean and Beyoncé are not my #relationshipgoals). The world doesn't even know enough about their relationship to form a valid opinion (*cues shout music*). People have said, and still say, very negative things about The Carters but I say, "Do your thing Queen. They don't have to understand. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters."
 

     It took me a while to figure out but I think that I've got it. My relationship has thrived because of it and I couldn't be more pleased. I'm also pleased that my man is like-minded. It's not about keeping secrets for us, it's about protecting our space. We don't open up our relationship to be judged by others. That doesn't mean that we don't seek advice because we do. We are just very firm believers in seeking advice from those that have reached the heights that we attain to or that have surpassed them. Speaking for myself, I've only taken advice from one person regarding our relationship. That is in part because I know that not everyone will understand our relationship and also because from past experience, I don't trust everyone's opinion. I always wanted to be this way but everyone doesn't get it (men and women). I am a very open person but I also like to keep things sacred. This is why I don't, and won't, post about my relationship  (highs or lows) on social media. As a matter of fact, my goal is to be established well enough that by the time I do get married, I can just get rid of social media all together. And then, no one would know anything. But that's future talk, so I digress. The point is that I've found my voice and followed it. I'm happy and content in knowing that what I have works for me and mine.

 

"Toast to cliches in the dark past..."- Beyoncé

New Truths

    Many of you may or may not know that I've always loved writing. I had been running from this love for quite some time but I will run no longer. This is the first piece in a segment that I will call:

New Truths

(I completely understand that not everyone will subscribe to my ideals and I am glad.
Think for yourself. Ask your own questions, these are just my answers. In a world where humans are allowed free thinking, I don't expect for everyone to agree and understand.)



Old Truth: Love hurts.

     I remember the echo of "I do this because I love you" after a beating, whooping or punishment  (verbal or physical). It was a statement that I could not grasp at a young age, and even in my adulthood, still can't comprehend. Though the concept that hurt equaled love was foreign to me, I still carried that concept of truth with me in and out of relationships. I gave family members permission to inflict their painful love onto me. I held on to friends that hurt me but "loved" me. I followed lovers to the ends of the earth that "loved" me. I abused myself many times for not hurting myself enough to feel the "love". Hearing that "God is love" left me further conflicted because hurt was my norm. It took years for me to understand real love (...and still learning).
     Even after hearing and reading 1 Corinthians 13 numerous times, I still didn't understand. I only knew that I never wanted to be the one to inflict love that hurt, so I tried my best to give the opposite of what was given to me. To my dismay, I kept attracting love that hurt and realized that I carried traits of my abusers.
     One day, I had had enough. I told God to show me what love really was because otherwise, I was not interested in it or Him. My eyes began to wander away from my norm and I saw a whole new world. I began to encounter people that loved without limits. Parents that loved their children, children that loved their parents, siblings that loved each other, friends that...you get the point. I told God to teach me! I mean, He did show me, so why wouldn't He teach me?!
     I learned that I had to set a new standard for myself. That meant that I had to start with myself! (Love is an action word!) I made a choice to be kind to myself. If I did something wrong, I no longer called myself "stupid" or "dumb", like I'd been previously taught. I became patient with myself. If I messed up, I gave myself a chance to right my wrong.
    I also became aware of the magic that is BOUNDARIES! Loving myself in a new way allowed me to establish boundaries. I no longer accepted the old habits of loving myself. If those old habits tried to come back, I'd recognize them and deal with them. This also helped me to establish boundaries with those around me. If I didn't allow me to treat me a certain way, then no one else could do it. It wasn't an easy task at all. In most cases, the boundaries were not recognized and I had to re-establish them. Those that refused to adapt, as hard as it was, got cut off.  I stopped speaking to some people completely and others (mostly family) I only speak with cordially. I should also point out that in my world, though not completely removed yet, I don't allow negative self-talk. So, those that have tried or do try to impose their negativity are not allowed in my sphere.
    Yes, I've lost many people on this journey but I have gained so much more. I now recognize God's true being. I accepted the love that He had always tried to give to me. I also started to attract the love that I deserve(!) from the ones that stuck around and accepted new lights of love into my world.

"Oh what a feeling, I'm feeling life" - Hov