Weather The Storm

     Words. Words. Words. I've always known their strength but never realized their weight. Until a few years ago, I never understood the weight of the words that I used and how they either built me up or tore me down. I'd always seen the importance in building others up but never seemed to do the same for myself. I believe that a part of me felt that I didn't deserve to be happy or to strive in life. I'd always known struggle, so I felt that that was all I would do. Though subconsciously I may have felt that way, I so wanted something different for myself. I wasn't sure how to get to my end goal and I can't say that I was aware of what I needed to do differently to get there.

     I had a few people around me that tried to show me a new way, positivity, but it seemed so foreign to me that it never registered for me. As a result of my life being in a forever storm, I did only what I knew how to do... ask questions! My problem has never been asking questions (clearly!), but in asking the right questions. In the midst of the storm(s), I'd only ask, 

"Why? Why is this happening to me? How much more do I need to take?" 

Of course I was always answered with, "Because, life. Girl, you can take way more than you think you can." The forever storm, and my negativity surrounding it, exhausted me and made me a little bitter.

     After many more redundant questions, I decided to turn the page. I started to ask questions that put me in a frame of mind to see the forever storm as something different. I started to look at things happening to me as merely obstacles.  Instead of the usual, I began to ask,

"What do I need to differently? What lesson can I take from this? What did this detour save me from?" 

The answers always came to me right away.

     I'm left with fewer regrets and more wins under my belt, which leads to more positivity. I'm able to acknowledge an unfavorable situation, assess it, learn from it and move on. Every situation is not always as easy as the last but I'm never stuck in the past. I always move forward with more strength and a clearer vision. I always catch myself if I feel like I'm reverting back to my old ways, because I remember all that was lost during that time. I lost friends, sleep, energy and peace of mind. These days, I always make sure to use the energy that I'm given, to move forward and conquer my goals.

"Old habits die hard"- Polish proverb

Quote Notes

"Why do I, and everyone I love, pick people that treat us like we're nothing?"
 "We accept the love that we think we deserve."- The Confessions of a Wallflower

     I was never the little girl that dreamed of an extravagant wedding. I never dreamed of marrying a prince. I was never into reading fiction and I despised fairy tales. I longed for something real. I was very aware that nothing and no one was perfect. I was always the little girl that dreamed of loving a man. Not just any man, but a man that loved me back. I dreamed of loving a man that accepted me, just as I was. I was the kid at the park that had fun but never too much fun because I wanted to share the memories with another. I always knew that I was made to love. I just had no idea how important it was to love myself first.

     Growing up, I had always appeared to love myself, out of necessity. I appeared to love myself, as a defense mechanism. I could never get comfortable in thinking that those around me that were supposed to love me, actually did. I was made to feel that my existence was a burden. I was constantly reminded that everyone would have been better off, had I been aborted. I was a mistake, and I was never allowed to forget that. If ever I showed too much confidence in myself, I was knocked down quickly. I was told that I was ugly. I was sorry (like my daddy). I wouldn't amount to be anything other than what I was. I always tried to conceal the hurt that cut me so deeply.

     I'd try to find solace in friends but I was always forced into seclusion. Those that I did grow close with, could never fully understand what I was going through, so they ditched our friendship. Those that stuck around, often took advantage of my vulnerability. Some way or another, I'd always end up being hurt by someone. However, that never stopped me from searching for someone that loved me. I did not know at the time what it meant to accept myself. I had been told that my existence was deplorable, so subconsciously that stuck with me. There were some that tried to love me, but I couldn't accept it. I wasn't sure what love looked like, smelled like or tasted like. I was simply feeling my way around a dark room, hoping to pick up what I was looking for.

     Time revealed to me that what I was looking for, could only be found within myself. I accepted that what I had been told about myself was not truth. I recalled every lie that I had been told and replaced it with the truth. I forgave all those that hurt me. I forgave myself for accepting less than what I wanted. I gave myself time to heal and I learned what love was to me and for me. I began to be exactly what I was looking for. Since then, I have accepted love from others into my life but I never let anyone out love me. I will always, for forever more, love myself more than anyone in this world. I am still not the girl hoping for a fairytale, or a prince to come and save me. I certainly have different expectations, but for myself. I don't need anyone to love me because I love me enough for everyone.

In my former life...

  
  Not many people know this about me, but I am a retired superhero. I used to throw on a cape, fly with the birds and save people that did not want to be saved. I would see my fellow man drowning and would extend an arm...only to be scoffed at. I look back on those days and thank the heavens that I no longer cape for those that do not want to be saved. It was a very exhausting task and always drained me of my superpowers (I guess it was my kryptonite). I am not sure why I was given the superpower of saving people but it was almost the death of me. It was never hard to find these victims, and there was always someone that needed saving!

     Initially, I had just thought of myself as being honest. I was told many times that I had no filter and at first I didn't understand. Everyone wanted honesty, right? Who could deny an honest opinion, even if it was most likely unwarranted? I learned that no one valued my opinions, they saw me as offensive. Even people that would pride themselves on wanting honesty, could not accept it. It was quite confusing, but being so committed to growth, l decided to change my strategy. I reasoned with myself that people only want honesty when they ask for it. I decided to refine my superpowers and only cape for people that asked to be saved. So, that meant that I gave no unwarranted opinions. If my opinion was wanted, it'd have to be asked of me.

     Having someone ask for my opinion left me with a choice...to give or not to give? Being the superhero that I was, I had to give of myself. I quickly came to the realization that people don't want to be saved, not even from themselves. People would ask for my opinion and get offended just the same. People would ask for my opinion and do exactly what they wanted to do in the first place. (kryptonite) It was almost pointless for me to open my mouth. I told myself many times to not give this part of myself and it was hard to let it go. I learned the lessons the hard way, but I'll never forget.

     I learned that it is not my responsibility to make, or help, anyone choose a path in life. Everyone has to live according to their own truth and just because I don't understand their line of thinking...it doesn't make them wrong. I can only help people to see their options. I can only tell of my life experiences and what worked for me. I learned that no one will change what they are doing, or change anything about themselves, until they want to change (message!). These days, my cape remains in the back of the closet collecting dust. If I happen to see someone drowning, I throw them a life raft and they can choose to drown or not. But this superhero is not coming out of retirement, not now and not ever.

"Don't save her, she don't want to be saved" -Project Pat

Silence is Violence

     I feel feelings when I hear the smooth, melodic sounds of "Don't Touch My Hair" by Solange. I love the song so much and I always try to get lost in "what you say to me..." but a certain feeling overwhelms me. It leaves me dancing with a strong feeling of disappointment. I've grown too quiet. I lost my voice trying to protect my peace. I'm disappointed in myself because I can do better. I should've done better. Since being in Chicago, I've experienced more blatant racism than I ever encountered in Texas. There have only been a few times (maybe once or twice) that I actually addressed it.

     The most impactful (read: recent) experiences that I had were while working in a white-owned salon. The owner was absolutely obsessed with the idea of having "an all African-American staff", that he assumed all hailed from the southside of Chicago. He often referred to himself as being a black woman, and loved to show us just how "down" he was. There were more than enough moments to prove that he was a fraud, despite his white, pastey complexion. He never once let us forget that he had two black girls as friends growing up, and that Beyoncé was the queen. This was until she dropped "Lemonade" and he publicly shamed the album because "she came from the whitest neighborhood in Houston. She doesn't know struggle, so why is she talking about police brutality?" I was always heavily equipped with my side eyes for him and his antics but was mostly silent. No one else seemed bothered by him so, I reasoned that I should not have been bothered either.

     One day, he offered to color my hair while we sat in his empty salon. While he measured out the color, he also measured out large quantities of disrespect. He told me that I should let him chemically treat (read: straighten) my hair because it was "frizzy, untamed and just too much". I explained to him that I was fine with the way that my hair grew out of my head and that I wasn't interested. I was bothered at that point, but still too silent. He later rinsed out the color and disgustedly told me that my hair felt "matted" and "like wool". I nearly jumped out of my chair because I knew that I wasn't taking care of my hair, but never imagined it would be that bad. I thought about it further and realized that he was comparing my hair to that of his mostly white clientele. I wasn't the one with the problem, it was him. I told him my thoughts and brushed it off.

     I was in Houston and I watched Philando Castile die, on my phone's screen. I was angry. I was numb. I was hurt. I was intolerant, or so I thought. I flew back to Chicago the following day and went into the salon. White people were talking and I was silent. The salon owner that so vehemently "love black people" swore his allegiance to Trump, in front of everyone. Without coercion, he told us all that if he were a cop, he'd "shoot those people too". I wasn't shocked. I was offended. I was boiling inwardly. I was silent outwardly.

     I was silent when the white man on the bus taunted a black man by calling him an "inconsiderate, ungrateful boy" and "a disrespectful nigger". I was silent when he put his attention on me. The black bus driver told me not to entertain him, so I said "Don't talk to me." He didn't stop and I was still silent.

     I do find that there are times that my silence speaks loudly for me. I won't be baited into agreeing that "they need to just follow the officers orders because if it was me I'd..." My silence always creates a tension so thick, it couldn't be cut with a knife. Then, there are times that my silence cripples me. It leads racists to believe that their words and actions are innocent, and hold no accountability. I have become selectively vocal, without a reason for cause. I'm left to question myself and consider that it may be to make certain people around me comfortable. My peace is still not protected if I can't use my voice, it stifles me. My solutions for myself are simple, yet very personally impacting.

     I'm going to protect my peace with balance. I'm going to continue showing pride for myself and my black people. I'm going to continue to shed tears, in airport lines, for every innocent life taken. I will not hold back to give others a sense of comfort. I will express my anger and my hurt. I won't hold back this #blackgirlmagic, I will give them all of this work. I will forgive myself and continue to be better each day that passes.


Vibe out with me...

"Don't touch my pride, they say the glory's all mine. Don't test my mouth, they say the truth is my sound"-Solange

Cheers To You

Ashley,

     You have been very hard on yourself. You have sacrificed more than anyone will know. You have helped those that will not dare help you. You have loved those that have shit on your efforts. You have cried many tears. You have asked millions of questions, most of them starting with "How...". You have stressed yourself to the point of illness. You need to know, that it is not for nothing.

     You will not be the same person that you are now. You will live life differently. You will think different thoughts. You will love and let love. You will love deeper and you will love more genuinely. You will expect the good, before you expect the bad. You will accept the good, before you accept the bad. You will set a new standard for everyone around you.

     Things will seem like they get more difficult, before they get better. You will learn more than you could ever imagine in the storm. Do not try to rush your growth, let it happen organically. You are strong and you will get through it. You are a diamond dear, formed under pressure.

     You will notice how much more different you start to become than those around you. Most will tell you that not everyone thinks like you, to protect themselves. Grow big and keep moving forward. Do not let anyone or anything diminish your growth. Grow at your own rate and let others catch up or fall behind. Do not mourn those that you will outgrow, rejoice in knowing that you are stepping into your own light. Embrace those that embrace and welcome your change.

     Continue questioning God and continue questioning yourself. Continue assessing your progress. The change that you are praying for and working for, will happen. Continue crossing out goals and making new ones. Continue pressing through. Continue marching to the beat of your own damn drum. Continue ruffling feathers and going against the grain. Combat every fear, and take no prisoners.

     Honey, the love will come. Your faith will grow. Your wisdom will expound. You will get everything that you came for and more.

     Trust in God and trust in yourself. Accept your story and accept your truth. You will love this life and this life will love you just the same.

My darling Ashley...

     Life will be so much more than you could have ever imagined it to be.

With love,

Ashley

P.S. It is real, so don't fight it. It will work out, stay out of your head and let it flow.

Quote Notes

Many of you may, or may not, have noticed that I'm a little obsessed with quotes. I used to write quotes on paper and stick them all over my bedroom walls and bathroom mirror (Now, there are hundreds of screenshots, of quotes, in my phone). I am aware that Gabrielle Union's character does this in Being Mary Jane, however I did this way before the show aired. In fact, a friend of mine pointed that out to me and I felt very violated because they copied me (they didn't copy me but I'm just saying that I did it first). Anyway, this will be an installment of different quotes that have deeply resonated with me and will be entitled:

Quote Notes

"Feelings aren't facts"

     I can't recall the many times that I've allowed emotions and feelings to ruin my life. There are so many days that were going great and then were ruined, due to me being in my feelings. There have been countless embarrassing moments for those in my path, when I was in my feelings. When I allowed my feelings to control me, everyone around me experienced the wrath. I would always encounter different people that seemed like they had the secret of life: not giving certain people, instances or things a second thought. I would ask these people for the answers but they'd never have them (think: Sway). I did what I do best...I asked God to teach me. Of course He obliged, but I thought it best to learn the hard and long way.

     Growing up in a family of highly emotional beings (not even exaggerating), I thought that it was quite normal to allow emotions and feelings to dictate life. I had a very interesting journey, which was equally confusing and exhausting. I'd never know what type of day the people around me were having, so I never knew when I needed to be prepared for combat (but you know I stayed ready so I didn't have to get ready). I never wanted to carry on that lineage so I vowed that I would never, ever be a product of my environment. I'm happy to say that I wasn't (and I'm not), but I also have to report that I may have been worse. I decided that the best way to control my emotions was to mask them or bottle them up (bless my young heart).

     The "bottle it up" method never seemed to work in my favor because I would always reach a point of explosion. I was always very angry and had no outlet, which was a recipe for total disaster. At the times that I did try to control myself, I was always provoked so it was essentially a lose-lose for me. Eventually, I removed myself from the toxicity and found myself in even more toxicity (it runs deep, okay?). It was a very exhausting position to be in because I was always seen as having an attitude (okay, sometimes I did have one but most times, I didn't). At which point, I tried to appear nicer, while still concealing my emotions. I only exploded in private but was told several times that I came across as cold-hearted and emotionless.

     I knew things had to change for me so I decided to just let it all hang out. I decided that I had better get in tune with my emotions and feelings so that I could be the best version of me (ha!). I literally went from one extreme to the total opposite extreme. I had emotions and feelings coming from places that I didn't even know emotions and feelings could come from. I could cry at the drop of a hat. My feelings were being hurt by people that I didn't even know or care about (also people that I did know and care about, just times 10). I was making decisions based on how I felt. I would allow people into my life that were no good to me or for me because of feelings. I was a mess, top to bottom, inside and out, through and through. I was so fragile and felt so weak. There was no wondering why my life was not going the way that I wanted it to and why I was not attracting the type of people that I wanted to be around. I was literally allowing my feelings to control my life. I knew what I needed at that point and it was balance. Naturally, God came through for me.

     I made a conscious decision to control me and my emotions. I no longer allowed circumstances or people around me to alter my mood or actions. If I felt that my feelings were hurt, I would pause. In the pause, I'd think about the person's intent (Did this person intentionally try to hurt me?). I'd also think about whether or not what the person said or did was a true reflection of me and who I portrayed myself to be. If after my pause I felt warranted in my hurt, I'd address the situation or let it and the person go completely. There was no more festering about what someone had done or not done to me or for me. I would no longer allow my feelings to dictate who was allowed in and out of my life. I had to logically reason whether or not any person in my life would bring value to me or drain me. I learned that to allow someone to control my emotions and reactions, made me powerless over myself. In order to remain in control, I have to constantly check myself when certain situations arise. I've gained a new sense of normalcy that I always knew possible but wasn't sure how to attain.

Note: If you run up, you will get done up. I'm cool and all, over here controlling my emotions but don't try me.

From lemons you made...

     I'm quite sure that there are many in my family that feel a deep love for my grandmother, but I'd like to say that my love is a little deeper. Since I was young, I've always felt a connection with her that allowed me to be myself, without the fear of judgement. There were times that I dreamt of losing her and would wake up crying profusely because it felt so real. She'd always answer my call and assure me that everything was fine. If there was one person that I'd like to bottle up and save, it'd be Ifay. Knowing that this is not possible, I'll just savor our past memories, make new ones and cherish the lessons.

     There are some in my family that call my grandmother a "seer". They say that she can see things way before they happen, but this could also be stated as having "intuition". There was a point in my teen years that my grandmother got sick, so she had to move out of her home. She'd travel around Texas, and stay with different relatives. She'd always reach a point when she felt like it was time for her to move on, and she'd call whoever it was that she wanted to stay with next. And so, the cycle would continue. It was always very interesting to me that every time she moved, something "major" would take place soon after. It wouldn't be until years later that she would reveal to us that she knew that the incident would take place. I can remember as a kid being put into situations that made me very uncomfortable. I was told that I was not supposed to leave from where I was but I'd always call my grandmother and she'd come and get me. I would most times get in trouble but I felt better knowing that I was with someone familiar. She'd always pick me up and ask me what made me uncomfortable. She'd listen to me and nod her head. It was as if she already knew what I was feeling. She taught me to always trust my intuition, even if I was not always right, at least I was careful.

     She was diagnosed with dementia some time ago, and since that moment, I became even more protective of her. There are many times that I've had to take up for her because she wasn't able to take up for herself. She wasn't like I had known her to be, she was quiet and somewhat timid. She'd always tell me that it was okay, and that those people didn't have to be nice to her. I simply could not understand why she was allowing people to treat her so badly. One day as I was combing her hair, I was trying to be very careful, so as to not pull her hair. She said to me, "Don't worry about trying not to hurt me. I've been hurt so much in my life, nothing can hurt me anymore." I didn't know what to say to her, my heart just sank. I knew that I couldn't change her life so I decided that I would make a change for myself, on her behalf. I vowed to set a standard for everyone in my life, family or not, to love me. Not with a selfish love, but with a genuine love. A love that would not leave me with wounds so deep, that they couldn't heal.

     I spent so much time with my grandmother before leaving Houston, that she came to be one of my best friends. It always warmed my heart when I'd get phone calls saying that she had asked for me specifically. She would talk to me about things that she had probably never told anyone else. She'd often tell me that I was her only friend and that she was so grateful to know me. Other times, she would tell me that I was her favorite daughter. I was so nervous to tell her that I was moving to Chicago because I didn't know how she would take it. She blessed my journey and told me to live my life for me. She validated me, even when I wasn't seeking validation. She's always encouraged me to be myself. She taught me from an early age to be who I am, and that I would be loved as a result.

     My grandmother has taught me many lessons that I shall never forget. I'm hoping to always be as genuine and as honest as she is. Even as she ages, and at times her memory fails her, she has remained true to herself. She's done the best that she could with all that she's been given in this life. She's a woman of resilience and perseverance. I'm so thankful that God has graced her with so many years.

"Grandmother, the alchemist, you've spun gold out of this hard life"- Beyoncé