Quote Notes

"Why do I, and everyone I love, pick people that treat us like we're nothing?"
 "We accept the love that we think we deserve."- The Confessions of a Wallflower

     I was never the little girl that dreamed of an extravagant wedding. I never dreamed of marrying a prince. I was never into reading fiction and I despised fairy tales. I longed for something real. I was very aware that nothing and no one was perfect. I was always the little girl that dreamed of loving a man. Not just any man, but a man that loved me back. I dreamed of loving a man that accepted me, just as I was. I was the kid at the park that had fun but never too much fun because I wanted to share the memories with another. I always knew that I was made to love. I just had no idea how important it was to love myself first.

     Growing up, I had always appeared to love myself, out of necessity. I appeared to love myself, as a defense mechanism. I could never get comfortable in thinking that those around me that were supposed to love me, actually did. I was made to feel that my existence was a burden. I was constantly reminded that everyone would have been better off, had I been aborted. I was a mistake, and I was never allowed to forget that. If ever I showed too much confidence in myself, I was knocked down quickly. I was told that I was ugly. I was sorry (like my daddy). I wouldn't amount to be anything other than what I was. I always tried to conceal the hurt that cut me so deeply.

     I'd try to find solace in friends but I was always forced into seclusion. Those that I did grow close with, could never fully understand what I was going through, so they ditched our friendship. Those that stuck around, often took advantage of my vulnerability. Some way or another, I'd always end up being hurt by someone. However, that never stopped me from searching for someone that loved me. I did not know at the time what it meant to accept myself. I had been told that my existence was deplorable, so subconsciously that stuck with me. There were some that tried to love me, but I couldn't accept it. I wasn't sure what love looked like, smelled like or tasted like. I was simply feeling my way around a dark room, hoping to pick up what I was looking for.

     Time revealed to me that what I was looking for, could only be found within myself. I accepted that what I had been told about myself was not truth. I recalled every lie that I had been told and replaced it with the truth. I forgave all those that hurt me. I forgave myself for accepting less than what I wanted. I gave myself time to heal and I learned what love was to me and for me. I began to be exactly what I was looking for. Since then, I have accepted love from others into my life but I never let anyone out love me. I will always, for forever more, love myself more than anyone in this world. I am still not the girl hoping for a fairytale, or a prince to come and save me. I certainly have different expectations, but for myself. I don't need anyone to love me because I love me enough for everyone.